I’m sure you all were wanting to know everything there is to know about Garlic.
Garlic has been used for medicinal purposes for thousands of years. An antioxidant to some, and an aphrodisiac to others. For my younger readers, an aphrodisiac is what gives you a strong desire to open the bible and pray to Jesus.
Speaking of Garlic, any novice vampire hunter knows that garlic is supposed to ward off vampires and mothers-in-law.
Fun Fact: It is scientifically proven that you are more likely to survive a lightning strike if you use your mother-in-law as a lightning rod. Make sure to take her out for regular walks during intense lightning storms.
There are an absurd amount of benefits associated with garlic, so I’m just going to go over how it works, some history, does it actually ward off vampires and perhaps some of the cardiovascular benefits or some shit I don’t know I haven’t decided stop pressuring me would you just get off my back you damn trash panda.
If that seemed like a run on sentence, that was intentional. Get at me.
Just so you don’t think a trash panda is some kind of racial slur, it is, but of Raccoons.
Used in a real-life scenario: You dirty trash-panda, get the hell out of my garbage.
Racial slurs against people are bad. Don’t use those. Let’s all be friends and love each other. Thanks.
OKAY! I am filled with vim and vigor and copious amounts of caffeine and I need to slap some words down on this post like a man slapping a disobedient donut.
Who want’s a little history on Garlic?
I do. I’m the one writing this so you will succumb to my will.
As I mentioned previously, Garlic has been around for-freaking-ever. Oh shit, full stop. Want to know what it’s called when you shove a word in between another word? Tmesis.
Okay, shit, back to garlic. Where was I? Oh, yeah, right, history.
First, according to a Norwegian study done in 1994, garlic may actually attract vampires. Since they were unable to locate (or too wimpy to try) any live vampires to test whether or not they were repelled by the odorous bulbs, they used leeches instead. Much less exciting, I know. How freaking cool would it be, if you had scientists battling it out with vampires for science! Anyway, they slathered a bunch of garlic on to one hand of the human participant, and then had another hand that was free of garlic slatherings. The slimy-ass wannabe vampires were attracted to the garlicky hand the majority of the time. In fact, they were so excited to jump into some bloody garlicky goodness, they attached themselves significantly quicker to the garlic hand, compared to the non-garlic hand. 14.9 seconds compared to 44.9 seconds, respectively.
So, basically, if you’re super into vampires and want Edward to come nibble on your neck, make sure you drown yourself in piles of garlic to get some of that sweet glittery vampire action.
So, uh, I think I’m going to end the post here and continue with some more garlicky action next week. I’ll definitely do some history on it then. Maybe. We’ll see.
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Also, make sure you check out the second part here!