Garlic Part 2: A bulb a day keeps the haters away.

Garlic Part 2: A bulb a day keeps the haters away.

If you haven’t checked out the first part of this fantastic series on garlic, you can check it out here!

The history of Garlic is filled with vampires.  A common prophylactic used by everyone from the lower class to our presidential vampire slayer, Abraham Lincoln.

Unfortunately, as I stated in my previously garlic-filled article, our vampire deterrent is actually a vampire attractant.  Those poor misguided people were probably just used as bait for our mighty vampire slaying president.  Not only was he fighting slavery, that mountain of a man brought the ax down on vampire crime and threw them into his log cabin of justice.  If you haven’t, you have to check out the totally historically accurate book: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.  

As you can see in this historically accurate drawing, Honest Abe brandishes his ax to hate-murder some vampires. Garlic
As you can see in this historically accurate drawing, Honest Abe brandishes his ax to hate-murder some vampires. (Vampires not shown)

 

Okay, I am known for jumping into multiple tangents during articles.  I think it’s a lot more interesting when you throw in a bunch of random shit and accidentally learn some stuff.  Don’t you?

Well, hopefully you do because I sure as hell do.  Who the hell likes to sit and read straight facts?  I do, but I also like to learn facts with some flair.  Maybe that will be my new tagline.  Supplewhat: Facts with flair.  I like it.

It appears that it originally came from somewhere in middle Asia.  Where exactly? It seems that there is a bit of a debate on where that is, precisely.

Garlic was used as far back as ancient Egypt, where it was quite common for builders to snack on these deliciously odorous bulbs to help them remain healthy and strong.  Bulbs of Garlic were even found in King Tuts tomb!

This aromatic bulb of delight was commonly used in Greece, it was also commonly fed to Olympic athletes during this period to help increase stamina! It was kind of like the original performance-enhancing substance. Something else that’s interesting, is that those who partook in this delightful delicacy were not allowed entry into temples.  They even had to take a breath test to determine if their breath did not reek of the stinking rose.

Garlic also happens to be known as vegetable viagra.  You know, I don’t know about you, but there is no faster way to get the mood going.  Chomp on some garlic, maybe take a sponge bath with it, then BAM!  It’s sexy times.  For my younger readers, Viagra is a medication commonly used to help provide people with a raging desire to learn.

Basically, this ubiquitous bulb has been thought to cure literally everything.  From parasites to infections to lung issues and even leprosy.  Most of these claimed cures are bunk.  I mean, I really don’t think, I… uh… highly doubt garlic can cure leprosy.  Have you seen what it does to someone?  It requires some pretty intensive drug therapy to cure.  I don’t think throwing a couple bulbs at someone with leprosy will magically cure them of this horrendous disease.

A poor person with leprosy who only wishes he had some garlic.
“If only I had some garlic”

Fun Fact: There were 5.2 million cases of Leprosy back in 1980.  Back in 2012, there were only about 189,000.

Anyway, as you can clearly see, this marvel of a vegetable has been present since man emerged from the black depths of the ocean… or, yeah, something like that.

How does Garlic work?  Well, there’s this molecule called Alliin that resides within our friendly neighborhood garlic.  When sliced, crushed, berated or snorted; Alliin will release it’s much less friendly but much more beneficial metabolite called Allicin.  When this metabolite is released, it turns into other compounds that give off Hydrogen Sulfide, which is what creates that oh-so-distinct smell and taste that is commonly associated with garlic.  Hydrogen Sulfide is also what provides a lot of the benefits.  Through a specific pathway, it can cause relaxation of blood vessels.  The dilation of blood vessels can help with issues such as high blood pressure.

There are multiple other cardiovascular benefits associated with chomping on some garlic.  Such as lowering cholesterol, lowering triglycerides, and even aiding in the prevention of atherosclerosis!

Fun Fact: excessive amounts of garlic can cause acute testicular toxicity.  In simpler terms: it can fuck with your nuts, man.

Just to reiterate, this requires excessive amounts of garlic for this to occur.  400mg per kilogram of body weight, or about 25 grams of raw garlic according to examine.com.  Enough garlic to bludgeon a small animal with, basically.  I wouldn’t worry about causing harm to your fragile baby-makers.  If you want to test whether or not this is true (for science, of course) then you can try and shove an obscene amount of garlic down your dumb gullet, or you could make a garlic smoothie.  Throw about 30 bulbs into a ninja and blend that shit up.  I’m sure that would be enough to find out if your testicles stop working.  (Don’t do this)

All right, that’s it for this article.  I’m going to over the cardiovascular benefits in further detail as well as the antioxidant benefits and if it is worth taking on a later garlic related post.  If you loved it, liked it, hated it, just thought it was okay, leave a comment below or send me an email at theogfettuccine@gmail.com!

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